Chasing Blue Sky

In good times and in bad

2011-02-09T10:20:00.000-05:00

I’ve been married now for 6.5 years. Not going to win any awards for longevity at this point but we’ve made is significantly longer than a lot of people I know.

There’s a point in your late twenties/early thirties when you look around at all the happily married couples you know and think how lucky you are that you’re surrounded by all these strong relationships because surely they’ll all last.

Then the first couple splits up. That makes you think “okay, they’re the fallen comrades. Surely the rest of us will survive.”

But slowly, steadily marriages disintegrate around you.

It’s disheartening really. I mean, if *they* can’t make it, how on earth will we???

This past year I’ve seen too many people I know going through separation and divorce. Many of our closest “couple friends” have hit Splitsville and now we have very few couples as friends.

My marriage is far from perfect. We have much that we need to work on but no matter how much I’d like to punch him with my ineffectual fists sometimes; I know for certain that I don’t want to split. I think that most, if not all, of our problems can be fixed. He thinks so too.

Will we make it for the long haul? I sure hope so.

Besides ..... I don’t know who else would put up with me!! :)

Life with an Alien

2011-02-07T09:52:00.002-05:00

Oh my. 14 year olds are like aliens.

Was I like that?

I suspect I was but I also suspect that it all makes sense in a 14 year old brain.

I didn’t sign up for life with a step daughter. Well, I kinda did. I did know about her existence and I did know that she would sail into our lives at some point. But until it actually happens it’s all just an abstract possibility. You know?

I feel a little petty when I get annoyed at the small things. I mean, she lived almost 14 years without a Dad. Do I really have a right to get annoyed that she only can figure out the “ON” part of light switches?

We went out for dinner last night. It was after a rather hectic errand running session and I really, really could have used a glass of red for my frazzled nerves. I didn’t get one though. I hate paying $6 or $7 for a glass when I can get a nice bottle for $14 at the store.

But I really, really wanted one.

Got a ginger ale instead.

I mean, we’re not exactly the Bank of C@nada, you know? But Miss M? She’s orders a smoothie that costs almost as much as a glass of much needed red. Then she orders the most expensive thing on the menu. Steak and Scampi. And then she’s too full to eat the steak! Are you fucking kidding me?

The rest of us had pasta and she orders this and can’t eat it???

I was pretty annoyed. We don’t have a lot of extra money and going out for dinner is a treat. When we go out we try to practice a little moderation.

This happened last time we went out too. She filled up on the big appetizer tray that she asked us to order and share. Then she barely touched her expensive dinner and add-on salad bar.

I’m being petty right? I know it but I’m annoyed.

Any advice on how to deal with a ready made teenager?

I'm good at rambling

2011-01-31T12:42:00.000-05:00

My son turns 2 this Friday. If I pause to think about this, I’m floored. How did I get to a place where my kids were about to be 4 and 2???

Babies, no more.

Sometimes I feel wistful about not having another baby. About not being pregnant again. But usually I’m completely okay with it. I can barely handle 2. I’d be out of my mind to add a third to the mix.

My mind goes in different directions these days. I’m starting to look forward. To think outside my little family unit. What else do I want to do? What else do I want to be? Where am I going from here?

It’s strange. Very strange. There is life after having babies!

And when I realize this fact. It becomes painfully obvious how I’ve neglected myself. I have let myself go. Too many shortcuts taken with my appearance. Too much focus on what I need to do to just get by rather than looking my best.

There’s lots of little superficial things. My nails are ragged. My skin is dry. I don’t take time for much make up etc…

But then there’s also the big thing. Literally. My weight is beyond me. And I can’t seem to get into the frame of mind to do anything about it.

I’ve gained back the 20 lbs I lost on Weight Watchers last summer. My fat clothes are tight. Some are too small. I’m feeling pretty down about it. So down that I need to go and eat some chocolate to make me feel temporarily better about things. Ridiculous and vicious circle. I have to find my way out of it.

2011-01-20T10:48:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to know where to go from here.

A big part of me feels like I’m done with blogging. I feel like I have nothing left to offer my community. But I still read and sometimes comment when I find the time to click over. And if I read…. And if I offer comments shouldn’t I still contribute? Still participate?

I don’t know.

That’s what I’ve been mulling over for the past few months. That, and other things.

I’ve changed jobs. In essence, I’ve gotten a “promotion”. My own office. More freedom. More pay. This is all good. But it meant that effectively, I was working 3 jobs for the month of December. My old job, my new job and training my replacement.

It was a December I’d rather forget and that’s saying a lot considering how much I usually love December and Christmastime and all that it entails.

Plus I was sick. And I’m sick again. Just run down and susceptible to all the bugs out there.

So that’s where I was.

The question is where do I go from here?

Moo.

2010-10-27T08:31:00.001-04:00

Actual text I sent to my husband last night:

"It's official. I'm too fat for Halloween."

Fuck. I've never ever had such a hard time finding something to wear for Halloween. But nothing - NOTHING - looks good on me. Or alternatively: nothing I try on makes me feel good.

I was on WW a few months ago. But somewhere along the line I lost my resolve. Anyone know where I can find it?

I'm still down a few pounds from the 20 that I lost earlier this year but I feel fatter than ever.

How low do I have to feel? How fat do I have to be before I manage to do something about it???

Bleck.

Whew!

2010-10-14T10:21:00.001-04:00

I feel like as soon as I catch my breath something else happens to make life interesting.

We've had a bit of a health issue/scare with Chicka over the past week. I won't go into details here but it's had us at the hospital for 2 evenings and a day in the past week.

In the grand scheme of things is pretty minor but it could involve surgery down the road if things don't improve. With the emotional and physical toll that something relatively minor has taken on me, I cannot possibly imagine what it must be like to have a truly sick child.

My kids are crazy and wacky and utterly exhausting but man, am I ever grateful that they're generally healthy.

Something else that added to the chaos that is my life is that I met my stepdaughter over the weekend. I'm happy to report that it went really, really well.

She's cute and sweet and a typical 14 year old girl. She giggles and talks up a storm. There's a few things about her life that worry me but they stem from the total lack of structure, rules and general morals that are inherent in her home.

It's not her fault. I just hope that she takes the right road. Maybe it's because my parents were very strict with me when I was growing up that I worry about the attitude of her mother.

Kids should be encouraged to do the right thing. Ultimately they will choose their own path but isn't a parent's job to point them in the right direction?

I don't ever want to be as strict as my parents were. I don't ever want to shove my head in the sand like they did. I don't want to be naive. But I don't want to endorse reckless and unhealthy behavoir either.

It's a fine, fine line isn't it?

So here's a question: when someone asks how many kids I have do I say 2? 3? 2 + 1?

Life is crazy. Who'd have ever thought I'd be a stepmom?!

And we danced.

2010-10-05T09:38:00.001-04:00

It was Girls' Night Out on Saturday. OMG, how long has it been since I actually went OUT with girlfriends?? To a bar? To drink and dance the night away?

I honestly can't remember.

It must have been since before I was married because I don't remember ever wearing my wedding rings to a bar before. We had fun. I watched (and helped) my newly single friend meet guys.

But I have to admit that I felt a bit on the old side. At one point some tall, young hottie walked by me. I didn't take much notice till the lady that happened to be standing next to me at the time elbowed me and started yapping at what a nice butt he had and so on and so on.

To me, she was a cougar. Around 50ish, dressed provacatively and checking out the livestock. But why was she talking to me? Did I look like a cougar too? Was I a comrade in arms, so to speak?

Ug. I'd hate for anyone to think I'm on "the hunt" or something. Not that there's anything wrong with going to a bar if you're older and/or single. It's the predatory feeling from her that I didn't like.

On a positive note, I did get asked to dance. I politely declined but it was sure as hell nice to be asked. :)

I'll take some red in a pink sippy please!

2010-09-29T16:01:00.002-04:00

Well, I think I've got one that about takes the cake.

This morning Frenchie and I got into over .... wait.... I'm so embarrassed.... okay... the colour of.... sippy cups.

Yeah. The colour of sippy cups.

I won't bore you the details of how it transpired. Suffice it to say I left angry and wished him a shitty day. He was just as angry and probably told me to fuck off as soon as the door was closed.

Such grown ups aren't we??

However!!!!

The silliness netted some decent results. Perhaps this new low that we've hit finally lit a fire under his french behind because he actually made an appt with the therapist.

May we never fight about sippy cups again.

following up

2010-09-28T14:00:00.000-04:00

Looking back over the last month or two, I think I should probably post an update of sorts. If not for my generous readers, then for the sake of recording such things.

The Step-Daughter

Frenchie is absolutely smitten with this little bright star. Talking to Lunette has become an almost daily ritual. He has seen her in person on a couple of occasions now and the plans are for the rest of us to meet her on (Canadian) Thanksgiving weekend. Apparently, she's going to come and spend part of the weekend with us.

I've been feeling confused about the whole thing. I'm happy for her. I'm happy for him. But what does this mean for the rest of us? It's not exactly clear yet.

Therapy

I mentioned not to long ago that Frenchie hadn't bothered to make an appt with my therapist.

This has not changed. I've mentioned it on a couple of occasions and was told that he "just hasn't had time".

What-the-fuck-ever. I'm still carrying around a lot of hurt about this.

My Struggles

I've talked to my Doc and my therapist and we've come to the conclusion that I may be suffering from PMDD. I've always maintained that my moods and tendancy to depression has a direct link to my hormones. This diagnosis could really fit but in order to find out I'm experimenting a bit.

I've been prescribed a BC pill that completely suppressed my cycles. No ovulation. No menstruation. I'm committed to trying this for 3 months and then re-evaluating.

So that's that!

But while we're covering multiple topics, I just want to thank each and every one of you for keeping up with me during my sporadic posting. Your comments have meant so very much to me.

Mwah!

extra large, 2 cream, 1 sweetner

2010-09-27T09:47:00.000-04:00

It's a gray Monday morning and I find myself back at my desk after another weekend without the anticipated break that I so desperately need.

It's sad when coming to work is the best break I get.

I was playing around with the idea of going away for a night this weekend. In fact, my therapist says that the next time I see her, I have to be able to tell her that I "got away" for a break.

But it didn't happen. Something told me that it was not a good time. The kids are not at their best. And it's a good thing. Or not. Because I was up ALL night nursing an ear ache with Chicka.

I spent Sunday feeling like I'd been run over by a truck.

And so begins another week.....

I'm gonna try to write more often. Starting now. It's a lot cheaper than my therapist. :)

struggling

2010-09-13T10:53:00.000-04:00

Life throws you curve balls and plays tricks on you. I don't know why it's a surprise to me anymore. Things are never the way you think they're going to be.

When I first got married and we started trying to get pregnant, it became all consuming (as long time readers can attest). It was the only thing my life was about for about 2 years. Every month that went by it got harder and harder.

And when you're consumed like that you start to believe that if just this "one thing" would work out, life would be good and you would be happy and that would be the end of it.

I got pregnant. Twice. Have 2 beautiful babies to show for it.

But the thing is that life's still imperfect. Go figure! It's not all sunshine and roses! I still have problems and needs and issues and sadness.

It should be noted that it's a completely different type of problem and need than it would have been if I'd never had my babies. I know that. I acknowledge every day that I am lucky to have my kids. I am lucky that my struggle ended where it did.

In a sense I'm lucky to be dealing with this type of hurt than the other type of pain associated with infertility.

I didn't know I was sad until my therapist pointed it out. Why am I sad? Why do I have this pervading cloud that hangs over me? Why can't I shake it?

The thing is that I'm not handling motherhood terribly well. Same goes for marriage. There are days that I'm absolutely unhinged. There are days when my kids and my husband take every last bit of me and more and I don't know how I'm going to survive. There are days when I feel trapped by my life and by my circumstances.

Honestly, it's driving me crazy! I hate to seem/feel ungrateful for all that I have but some days I just want to "quit". To go somewhere and just be by myself.

I would never ever do such a thing. In reality I have no desire to end my marriage or not be a Mom but I have to admit that the times that I feel sad or discouraged or unhappy are far more plentiful than I can live with.

Yes, I've been going to therapy. I've asked Frenchie to go to have a session so that we can start going together to work out some stuff. I thought he'd be happy to do this and try to get things back on track.

But he hasn't bothered and I'm so hurt by this that my sadness and unhappiness is magnified by this neglect.

I just want to feel like I can deal with the day to day stuff that comes up. I want to feel capable and content. But I just don't. What is wrong with me???

I never thought I'd be a "Step"

2010-08-14T08:29:00.002-04:00

It's hard to know where to begin.

I was on holidays a couple of weeks ago and then the day after we came back something BIG happened.

Since then, I've been busy. Busy working. Busy living. Busy taking it all in.

The BIG thing. Well, I think I'm going with the short version.

14 years ago when Frenchie was a young and silly 22 yo, he was dating a girl (MC). The foolish youths weren't responsible and MC ended up getting pregnant. There was some back and forth on whether she would abort or carry to term.

You know where I'm going with this right?

So, yeah, she carried to term and kept the baby girl, Lunette (not her real name) . Frenchie was in the baby's life for about the first 6 months until the rashness of youth because too much for either parent to handle. There were ultimatum's issued and they severed all contact.

I knew about this from our 3 date. I knew that eventually a little french girl would be curious enough about her biological father to try to find him.

That day has come.

So far everyone has been acting very grown up and the experience has been positive. He's going to meet her in person this coming week.

I've always wondered about this blameless, little girl who never knew her father. I hope that she can become a part of our lives and whole experience can remain positive.

But.... what a mindfuck it's all been.

Oh la la!

2010-07-22T06:33:00.000-04:00

Cleavage is our theme this week.

I remember the night this was taken. (Yeah, it's from the archives - sue me.) Readers from the old days might even remember the first time I posted it.

One thing I can say for myself? I sure do fill out a bra well. :)

For all things HNT see the MASTER.

***************

I'll be even more scarce than usual. Heading out on holidays tomorrow. Catch ya on the flipside.

I needed a laugh today.

2010-07-21T13:11:00.002-04:00

I went to THIS site and read this "article".

I laughed so hard I thought I was going to lose it.

Need a laugh? Go here and read. Bet you can't stop reading.

I'm working my way down the list.

yaaaaawwwn

2010-07-20T10:41:00.000-04:00

My 18th month old is sleeping through the night.

My 3 year old is not.

Explain that to me please.

End of my rope? Yeah, it's in sight.

I can't remember the last time I had an uninterrupted night of sleep. Cause why? Only Mommy will do. If Daddy goes to her, she screams for me and tries to push him off the bed.

So Mommy it is.

Ug.

With therapy I'm trying to work through all sorts of shit but it's hard when I'm in survival mode due to sleep deprivation. My focus is just getting through the day right now.

But.

My holidays are coming up fast. I'm hoping that chicka will be so bushed at night that she crashes hard. Maybe I'm hoping for too much.

We have an 8 hour car ride ahead of us on Friday. It will be a long day. But at the end of it I'll be in the presence of my best friends' and their families.

And that's worth twice the drive.

dipping my toe in the water

2010-07-15T06:59:00.001-04:00

So to speak.

Another foray into the world of HNT brought to you by Osbasso.

I'm enjoying this. Challenging each other to come up with a fun shot. Showing a bit of myself that people don't normally see.

Getting back into the groove. MY groove. Practicing liking myself better. Finding the good parts about myself.

Happy Thursday!

3 sessions in.

2010-07-09T09:14:00.001-04:00

So apparently my emotions are really big. That's probably where most of my issues stem from. My larger than life emotions make me feel things perhaps a bit more keenly. Make my temper flare with little provocation. Make me despair more easily.

It makes sense. Once I get a handle on my emotions things may start getting better for me. I'm repeating mantras. I'm learning coping techniques and ways to calm myself down. I'm learning how my brains works and processes things.

I look forward to my weekly sessions with my therapist. She's pretty cool. A little clinical at times, a little new agey at others. A good combination.

She's close to my age. She's got 2 young kids. She seems to get it.

One of the main things we're working on is how I dealt (or didn't deal) with infertility. It sounds so silly to my ears. Most of my IF bloggy friends have been through much worse than me. Jboy came along with no problems at all.

But apparently my larger than life emotions and the walls I built around myself during that 2 year period of trying to get pregnant that served to protect me then is hurting me now.

The problem is that I don't know how to take those walls down. So that's where I'm at.

Bringin' Sexy B@ck

2010-07-08T06:30:00.000-04:00

So the 4 of us were "chatting" yesterday. And the consensus was that we all needed to feel sexier for our own sakes.

But how?

Remember HNT?

(yeah, I know that it's still going on but it's been a long damn time since anyone took part in it.)

So we decided to focus on lips. Lips can be so damn sexy.

Bright Side

2010-07-05T10:04:00.001-04:00

~It's hotter than hades here right now The humidity is killer but it's better than ice and snow.

~I'm 2 sessions into therapy - third tonight. Really liking my therapist.

~We had sex on the weekend. And I initiated it! That's definite progress.

~Having much fun on gmail these days with my girls.

~I'm down 20 lbs.

~Holidays are in sight. (End of the month) I'm going "home" for a week and can't wait!

~Finally got my passport this week. I've been without one since the 90s. Now I feel like I could go somewhere even though I have no money to do such a thing.

~Thinking about signing up for some distance ed courses but wondering when on earth I would do the work.

~Applied to a new job last week for the first time in YEARS. Really really hoping to land an interview.

~Living vicariously threw friends that are online dating is freaking fun. Man, some of those profiles are funny/nutty.

~Watched It's Complicated last week. Laughed pretty hard.

~Also watched The Lovely Bones. Okay, but not as good as the book.

~Also watched My Sister's Keeper. Completely different ending than the book. WTF?

~Obsessed with getting a new phone these days. Waffling between a Blackberry, an iPhone or something else entirely. Possibly a Motorola Backflip?

That's all for now. Have a post brewing about therapy. Hope to bang it out soon.

Life moves pretty fast....

2010-06-24T09:56:00.000-04:00

I feel tired right down to my toes and to the deepest depth of my soul.

That's pretty tired. :)

My life these days goes like this:

--> wake up and go to work
--> run any errands and pick up groceries on my measely lunch break
--> finish work and fly home to relieve the worn out babysitters
--> make dinner and feed kids usually on my own because Frenchie doesn't seem to ever make it home before 630pm
--> clean up and do dishes
--> play with kids
--> get kids ready for bed
--> lay down with Chicka till she falls asleep cause only Mommy will do and sometimes it's almost 10pm before I get out of there.
--> go to bed

If I'm lucky I get out of Chicka's room in time to catch a hour of TV or something.

I have no time. No energy. Chicka is all about Mommy these days and will not stand for Daddy putting her to bed.

My goal for the day is to make it till the next one. And then that upsets me because it makes me feel like I'm wishing away the days. Time goes by fast enough without me wishing it away.

You know?

Sheepishly sliding a post in

2010-06-23T08:32:00.001-04:00

Ever go so long between posts that there didn't seem to be much point in posting when you DID have time?

Yeah, me too.

I think when last I wrote I was going through a rough patch. Going through an "all right" patch now but I know that another rough patch will come 'round too soon.

Finally bit the bullet and made a couseling/therapy appt. After years of talking about it, I'm finally going. On Thursday. My hope is to go for a bit on my own and then go for a bit with Frenchie.

The last (and only) time I talked to a therapist was when I was a patient at the fertility clinic. I liked her well enough but I had trouble letting go. It's like I could feel a shell fall into place whenever I walked in the door.

I hope that I can find a good rapport with this new lady and that it helps me work out some of my shit.

This place used to be my therapy but it's just not anymore. Maybe I'll find that again?

a laugh a minute

2010-05-28T11:12:00.001-04:00

It's a better week.

Mostly anyway. I've been working hard to get myself in a better place. I know that I have tons to be grateful for. I know that I have it pretty good. I just miss my Self.

And that's not so wrong.

So I'm buoying myself up so that I can stand some deflation this weekend. We have company coming this weekend. French company. The kind of french company that's not enjoyable. The kind that speaks very little english. Pair that up with my inability to speak french and it makes for a rip roaring good time for me!

I'm focusing on the fact that my kids will have a blast with their kids. That's all that matters right?

I'm trying not to get too worked up about it but these people always stress me out. Having company can be so much fun and I hate that I dread these visits from them. It makes me resent all the work it takes to prepare for them. I resent the extra money that is spent on food and booze. I just resent it all. If it were someone whose company I enjoyed, none of these petty things would bother me.

I'm just a barrell of laughs these days, eh?

I hate sounding whiny but it is what it is

2010-05-25T16:14:00.001-04:00

We had the most gorgeous May long weekend that I can ever remember. It was sunny and hot and wonderful.

Too bad I spent a good part of it under a dark cloud.

I've been having a hard time lately. And there are times that I can't handle it as well as others. The past week was one of those bad times. I don't exactly feel like I'm out of it yet but perhaps I'm getting there.

The easiest way to put it?

I'm overwhelmed with everything on my plate. With everything that needs my attention. With everything that I need to be responsible for.

But I'm completely underwhelmed with life.

Feeling like this pisses me off. I don't feel like I deserve to feel like this. It's just not right. I've got a family, a home, a job. My loved ones are healthy and happy. Why do I feel so down? Why can't I handle the things that I should be able to?

I guess what I've been feeling like lately, is that in all this - trying to get pregnant, getting pregnant, being a Mommy and a wife - that I've lost my Self. There's no Me anymore.

How whiny does that sound???

I feel like I've been reduced to the stains on my carpet that need to be cleaned. To trying to get my kids to eat dinner. To the bathroom that needs to be cleaned. To the piles of random shit that collects on my counters. To our non-existent sex life.

This year, my new years resolution was to do things for myself. I've been trying to do just that. Getting out for an evening is near impossible right now but I've made an effort to do something for and by myself almost every weekend. But it's also caused some problems and I feel like it's just not worth it. I have managed to make a positive change in my eating habits. I've lost around 17lbs or so and cut out red meat. But the rest of it, I'm still struggling with.

So what to do?

I don't fucking know.

2010-05-21T20:57:00.003-04:00

It's stupid really. I haven't been writing. Not here, not anywhere.

Why?

Well, various reasons.

Mostly - as mentioned in my last post - I'm simply to busy or too damn frazzled.

Partly - I spend most of my "spare" time reading blogs as opposed to writing them.

And maybe just a little bit - I'll feel like a whiny, self absorbed person if I write about how I'm truly feeling these days.

I cannot reconcile things but I cannot figure out solutions either. I'm just ..... floundering.

Usually, when I'm feeling like this, I do my best writing. But that part seems to be gone along with the rest of me.

frazzled

2010-05-06T11:12:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling very harried these days.

I rush home from work to relieve the babysitter and it's chaos from that point until bed time. Absolute chaos. Half the time the kids are cranky because they're ready for dinner but dinner's not ready for them. Half the time they're tired. Half the time (wait, that's 3 halves) they're just cranky for no damn reason.

Some times I come home and go right outside so that the kids can continue to play with their friends. Some times we get the whole neighbourhood coming to our backyard to play after dinner. I can't get a thing done and everything goes to hell in a hand-basket. Bedtime becomes this whiny, "but I don't waaaanna go to bed" saga.

All this makes for a cranky Mommy. I hate to admit it but some days, I don't want to go home. Maybe it's because I'm no longer eating my feelings. Or maybe it's because I'm cutting down on wine consumption. Or maybe it's because I've been PMSing.

But maybe this is just what is.

I've been back to work for 3 months now and it's not getting any easier. How do working Moms balance it all and not lose their minds??????

I feel like I'm not very good at all this.

On being a "meat eater"

2010-05-03T11:14:00.003-04:00

I've been consumed with thoughts of food these days. And not in the way you're thinking either.

(Speaking of which -- I'm down 10 lbs!)

No, the thing is that I'm thinking about what kind of food I eat. Till now, I've kind of had the what I don't know won't hurt me type of attitude about food. In particular, meat.

Meat. My thoughts run in two directions with regards to eating meat. Firstly, there's the health aspect. Humans are famous for saying we're meant to be "top of the food chain." We're supposed to be meat eaters.

And I used to think that too. But no more. Do I enjoy eating meat? Yes. But are we "made" to eat meat? I doubt it. The way our digestive systems are made are not really conducive to eating meat.

Secondly, there's the aspect of the animals. I'm an animal lover. But I think it's a double standard of me to say that but still eat meat. I wouldn't keep 10 chickens in a drawer in my backyard. I wouldn't confine cattle to stalls that they can't move in, in my backyard. I wouldn't burn the beaks of chicken and loads them up with so many hormones that they are so big they can't stand up. I wouldn't brutally rip the testicles off piglets. So the question is: why do I pay for someone else to do it?

Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

I picked up a copy of Skinny Bitch this weekend. And by picked up, I don't mean bought. I mean that I literally picked it up in the store and randomly turned to a page. I literally read a half of a paragraph and felt sick. I can't get it out of my head. I will never - NEVER - be able to eat bacon with the same amount of gusto ever again.

So, I've decided to try cutting out red meat and pork and seeing how it goes. If I can manage that, then I'll consider cutting out chicken which will be a very hard one as it's a staple of my diet. In the meantime I'm exploring more ethical and natural choices.

I'm not going all militant here. I'm not even saying that I'll succeed. But I think that I need to give this a shot. Even if I find that giving up meat full stop is too difficult I know that I'm going to make a concentrated effort to eat less of it.

What NOT to do.

2010-04-30T09:27:00.001-04:00

Hey guys?

Just a hint for you.

If your wife is cutting back and trying very hard to lose weight?

Do not - I repeat, DO NOT!! - eat Mini Eggs in front of her.

Especially when she loves Mini Eggs almost as much as she loves her kids.

And do not throw the bag in frustration when she comments that you are mean to eat those Mini Eggs in front of her.

And lastly, do not whine about how you "can't eat anything anymore." when you haven't been suffering in the least.

If you do risk such behavior, it will undoubtedly cause a row. Maybe a big one.

Take heed of my words. And don't say you weren't warned.

in between coffees

2010-04-27T08:34:00.000-04:00

Holy crap.

I've never felt so unmotivated in my life. Emails sit unanswered in my inbox. My blog sits neglected. But I'm having such trouble finding the willingness to sit and commit thoughts to keyboard.

Must get over this hump.

Work is slow right now. Not exactly sure why I have all this time on my hands but I'm starting to think that I'm working way too efficiently. I've got more of a workload than I had before but I'm not as busy.
WTF?

We woke up to snow this morning which was a complete mindfuck as we haven't had snow since February. Yesterday we're in capris and sandals and this morning I'm wondering if I packed my boots away. I'm worried about my tulips. They just started opening. Damn you, Mother Nature.

I'm a couple of weeks into my weight loss kick. Down 7lbs as of this morning. This makes me feel pretty good. Geez... only 50-60 more to go.

My WW buddy and I were talking rewards and whatnot. I think for my 10% reward I may treat myself to a spa service. I'm not going to commit to a pedicure because I may just go anyway (and soon!) as I'm desperate for a pedicure. But maybe something I don't normally do? Like a massage?

Yeah. I know. I'm getting ahead of myself. There's a big difference between 7lbs and my 10% goal. But I gotta work towards something right? On that note, I was thinking that WHEN I make it to my ultimate goal, I may get a tattoo. I've been wanting another one for a while now. It would be the perfect celebration (and permanent reminder) of how hard I worked to get there. Whatcha think?

Anyway. Must go forage for more coffee.

Happy Birthday Chicka!

2010-04-19T07:26:00.002-04:00

3 years ago this morning, I was a brand new Mommy. Exhausted, battered, bewildered but completely and totally in love with this wee baby girl that was all mine.

I can scarcely believe that I'm the Mom of a 3 year old and a 1 year old. How lucky am I?

I'm still a bewildered and a whole lot exhausted but more in love than ever.

furthermore

2010-04-14T09:57:00.001-04:00

There's lots of shit being hit by the proverbial fan today so in an effort to distract myself, I thought I would attempt to elaborate on my previous post.

Outburst wants to know my reasons for buckling down with this whole weight watchers thing. What? Are all the reasons I listed below not reason enough, my friend? :)

Okay then. Aside from everything I said in the previous post, it can boiled down to wanting to feel good about myself.

I hate looking in the mirror and seeing what I see. It makes me feel ugly and unattractive. This is turn affects the physical side of my relationship with Frenchie. I can't help but hope that if I start feeling better about myself then maybe repairing the damage done to our intimacy might be that much easier?

Joining WeightW@tchers was kind of a spur of the moment decision. I told Frenchie about it over dinner last night and he asked that I be sure that I'm doing this for myself. He told me that he finds me attractive and sexy and all that good stuff. He loves me the way I am.

I do believe him but then I don't. I feel like he has to say that stuff. You know? I want to be a slimmer version of myself. Not only for myself but for him. Who wants to be married to Roly Poly Girl?

I want to also do this for my kids. I want to be a good role model. I want to enjoy life (and Mini Eggs) but teach them how to be healthy.

But mostly, I still want to do this for myself. Sure, this affects my family but in end I really just want to look and feel good in a cute summer dress. I want to be the striking woman I know that I can be.

Back in the day, I used to turn heads. Not all heads. But some. I want to do that again. Not because I'm looking for male attention but because I ache to have that confidence again.

Am I making any sense?

Weighty Issues

2010-04-13T14:02:00.001-04:00

So I'm back to this.

I'm tired of my weight yo-yoing all the time.
I'm pissed that I have a closet full of nice clothes that I can't wear.
I hate that I feel like I'm always the "fat friend".
I don't want my kids to be the ones with the fat mommy.
I want to feel good about myself again.
I hate feeling self conscious when I meet people for the first time.
I despise dreading shorts season.

I joined WeightW@tchers Online today. I have never done this program before always preferring to go it alone. Obviously, going it alone isn't working for me.

When I met Frenchie, I was approximately 75 lbs lighter than I am today. What the fuck is up with that??

It's time to get off my fat ass. It's time to stop making myself feel better by consuming mass quantities of Mini Eggs. It's time to stop feeling like shit about my weight. It's time to stop buying new clothes because my old ones don't fit.

It's just time.

sigh

2010-04-12T14:43:00.001-04:00

Blank page.
Blinking cursor.
Spare time.

All those things, I've got. What I don't have is the inspiration that I need to commit thoughts to keyboard.

Oh how I miss the verbose days of yesterday.

recurring dream themes

2010-04-07T11:59:00.001-04:00

Almost every single night I dream that I'm about to catch a plane. I'm at an odd airport and never actually get on a plane and go anywhere but am dealing with obstacles.

Such obstacles include but are not limited to:

~not having a valid passport
~not remembering to exchange my money.
~worrying about whether or not diapers will be non existent or terribly expensive at my destination
~being unable to find the gate

I could go on and on. It would seem that I'm usually bound for Europe. But I never actually board the damn plane.

I'm getting a little tired of this relatively new, recurring theme so this morning I looked it up in a dream dictionary.

To dream that you miss your connection flight (hell, I never even catch my initial flight!), indicates that you are feeling helpless and trapped by some situation. You feel that you are being held back, either physically or mentally. Alternatively, the dream may also suggest that you are feeling disconnected in some aspect of your life - work, relationship or home life.

To dream that you are traveling, represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and the way you progress. If your travels come to an end, then it symbolizes successful completion of your goals. (What if my travel never begins???)

Yeah, so I'm unsure about the validity of dream dictionaries but both of those interpretations struck a chord with me.

Or maybe these dreams just mean that I am worried that I'll never get to see Europe as I've always wanted to. Either way, I'm getting awfully annoyed with these dreams.

Whatcha think?

Do you have recurring dreams?

The Worst Day of Her Life

2010-03-31T09:00:00.003-04:00

Becky has just got some terrible news. I am reeling with the severity of what she and her gorgeous boy are dealing with.

I know my readership is small but if you're so inclined please go leave her a supportive comment.

Spring Cleaning?

2010-03-30T11:49:00.002-04:00

I'm in the mood to purge.

Extraneous Facebook "friends". You know when someone from high school friends you but you never socialized then so why would you now but you confirm and friend them back cause it's easier and nicer than not doing it? Yeah, time to clean it out a bit.

Fat. Holy shit. I've gotten so fat over the past couple of years. It makes me depressed. And then I eat chocolate cause I'm depressed. I have got to do something about this before I have to encase myself in sundresses and shorts.

Christmas decorations. Wha?? Weird? Yeah, I know. But Christmas decs take up a good deal of storage at my house and I figure it's easier to go through everything at leisure in the summer than at Christmas time when everything is crazy. Time to thin my stuff out a bit.

Blogs that annoy the fuck outta me. Really? There's only one.Sometimes I wanna comment anonymously on the judgements, blanket statements and assumptions but I think it is chicken shit to post anonymously like that. If I don't wanna put my name on it then I won't say it. Why do I keep it in Reader? Because I'm an idiot. I won't put it off any longer though.

Debt. Uh, yeah. Being on maternity leave 2 of the last 3 years has put us in some serious debt. We're floundering around with never enough to make ends meet. Time to figure out some sort of debt consolidation or something.

I think that this ever expanding list could keep me busy for a while....

It just sucks.

2010-03-23T11:04:00.001-04:00

So last night I found out that one of my best girlfriends (also the couple we spend the most time with) is splitting with her husband.

It sounds crazy but it's going to affect our lives in a big way too. In fact, it's going to affect the dynamic of the whole neighbourhood. I'm pretty bummed out about the whole thing.

The thing is... the thing is.... this couple is like a mirror of Frenchie and me. They have gone through much the same stuff as us. Her feelings are so much like my own that it's scary. The saying "There, but for the grace of God, go I." keeps ringing in my head.

Right now, I have to focus on the differences between us and ensure this doesn't happen to my marriage. I need to heed this warning because this could so easily be us if we don't figure things out.

Neither of us want that. Perhaps their demise will be our saviour?

Halfway Gone

2010-03-18T11:02:00.003-04:00

Yeesh. Having some rough days here and not coping with it terribly well.

The kids are sick - what else is fucking new? Frenchie is working late every night. I'm exhausted and fed up. I feel like I have absolutely no time to myself and that's making me very grouchy. Bitter, even.

If I'm lucky, I have about an hour in the evening where I can collapse my fried brain and tired body on the couch before bed. I can't remember the last time I picked up a book and that used to be something I couldn't live without. Chores? Exercise? Ha!!!

Me time is so important. I need it to keep my head above water. I also need to feel like I'm not responsible for everything.

I need.... I need.... I need....

I often wonder if I hadn't "waited" so long to have kids if this whole having no personal time thing would be easier for me to deal with.

Say what you will but I didn't start dating Frenchie until I was close to 30. Married at 31. Chicka came along at 34. 34 years is a looong time to get used to independent time. It's very easy to get set in your habits and routines - or lack thereof.

I feel like I'm in danger of .... disappearing. Does that make sense?

How does one "make the time" when there's no time? How do you reconcile yourself to it? And more importantly, how do you keep yourself from losing your identity?

Rocks

2010-03-16T11:33:00.002-04:00

My kitty cat went to the Great Sunny Patch in the Sky this morning. Although he had a good, long life, I'm very sad today.

I got him when I was just shy of 22 years old. See his left paw? He had this curious deformity that made him look like he had 2 toes instead of a paw. Truthfully, that's why I took him home. Until we noticed the oddity, we were just cooing over kittens on our way into the Mall.

He was with me through thick and thin. Boyfriends, parties, moves. You name it, he was a gamer. He loved to chew on my hair while I slept. He always insisted on sticking his nose in any water glass I was trying to drink out of. He would stretch out on his back in front of us and insist that we give him a rub with our feet before we walked on past.

The last half of his life - for a variety of reasons - he ended up living with my parents so he ended up being more theirs than mine. But he was always my buddy. Didn't love my kids so much but always had a nuzzle and a purr for me.

He was a good ole cat and he will be missed. Godspeed, Rocky. You were one well-loved kitty.

Do they make sleepers for adults?

2010-03-12T07:52:00.000-05:00

It seems that the time has come.

For the sake of decency and middle of the night convenience and comfort, I feel I must say goodbye to naked sleeping. Sooner or later, we'll have little munchkins that crawl into bed with us without warning and throwing on a shirt when I get up with Jboy in the night has been annoying.

Having been a naked sleeper for years and years, wearing jammies to bed is going to be a major adjustment. I don't like getting all twisted and constricted in what I'm wearing.

I think that I will try a couple combinations. Tank top and underwear. Silky-type nighties. I like wearing cotton but it tends to grip on the sheets. Pyjama bottoms are out of the question because I think they would plain drive me nuts.

I guess life is going okay when transitioning to jammies is the biggest thing going on. :)

What about you? What do you wear to bed?

An "Oh Shit!" moment

2010-03-05T10:00:00.003-05:00

I just hit the restroom for my morning pee break.

It was then, in the harsh light of the bathroom fluorescents, I realized that my nipples are visible through my white bra and shirt combination.

I am now sporting toilet paper in my bra. How very fucking mortifying!!!!

Not Friday

2010-03-04T14:22:00.001-05:00

It's Thursday. Not Friday yet???
I'm on the late shift at work. Which is a deadly shift.
I'm all caught up. Which makes the days drag out even more.
With one day left to the week. Really? It's not Friday??

So I have the time to blog but I'm not yet back into the mindset. Ya know? I need to get used to writing and documenting again. To find the extraordinary in the ordinary.

I've done very little work today. I shared my opinions and advice with a coworker whose daughter is getting married. Believe it or not, at 37 (thiry-fucking-seven?!) I'm still the young one at the office so I'm the authority on style, music, wedding stuff, baby stuff etc.

Which is actually hilarious because otherwise, I feel old and outdated and tired. I guess it's all relative. Compared to these ladies, I follow trends more closely. I wear scarves and sweep my bangs across my forehead. I have a hip totebag and am computer savvy.

But when I compare myself to my sister or certain friends or even other bloggers (yeah, YOU), I know I probably don't wear my jeans low enough. I can't stand underwear that's supposed to go up my ass rather than cover it. My shoes are getting more sensible every year. My eyeshadow is probably applied wrong (when I wear it at all) and my lipstick is probably last year's colour.

I'm a tired Mom and happy to be. But I do wish it didn't take so much energy to be "with it".

So there

2010-03-03T11:53:00.000-05:00

Why do I have to be the one to take charge? To keep track of everything? To decide what needs cleaning and when? To know that there's a load in the washer that needs to go into the dryer? To plan meals, outfits, weekends etc?

When I was on leave, things naturally fell to me as I was home during the day. I didn't mind so much. Keeping things running smoothly was my contribution to the household.

But why, now that I'm working full time, is it still my responsibility to plan all the meals? Why can't he take charge on occasion? Why should I have to tell him when it's mealtime for the kids? Isn't it just logic?

Can't he see the mountain of laundry? The fingerprints on the mirror? The pee on the toilet seat?

I get so tired of it. I've tried - over and over - to explain to him that if I have to tell him or remind him to do something than it's still my responsibility to make sure it's done. If he could just take the initiative every once in a while.

I saw a talk show with a sex therapist once. She said that foreplay for men is strictly sex related. But foreplay for women begins with things done around the house.

If Frenchie could grasp this concept he might get laid a whole lot more.

I'm back. I swear.

2010-03-01T14:06:00.000-05:00

My kids are healthy (knock wood) for the first time all winter. This means they’re sleeping at night which, in turn, means that I’m getting enough sleep.

This will be my 4th week back at work. I am officially back into the swing of things.

So there’s no longer any reason that I cannot write here more often. And that’s exactly what I plan to do. Honestly, there’s truth to the theory that the longer you go the hard it is.

So anyway…. Now that I’ve said all that, I really don’t have too much to say. The long and short of it:

~sex life still not great (I’m sure that I’ll elaborate on this further.)
~My year off left us in a boatload of debt
~I drink too much wine
~I watch too much TV
~Work isn’t so bad. It’s kinda nice being in adult situations.
~But…. I miss my babies.

Worth mentioning? The Vancouver Olympics. I admit to not watching too many events but my heart soars with the level of excitement and patriotism that has run absolutely rampant these past 2 weeks. Aside from an abysmal closing ceremony show, Vancouver showed a lot of class. What a great experience it’s been for all Canadians. Kudos to our athletes who rocked it on our own turf.

That is all for today.

And so ends the first week of the rest of my life

2010-02-12T18:48:00.003-05:00

It's Friday.

Friday of a long week.
My babies are sick.
I am tired.

But I made it.

It's not so bad really.
Being part of a more productive world.
Talking and interacting with adults all day long.
Using my brain for more than just remembering words to Wiggles' songs.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm miss them desperately.
Jboy welcomes me home with dazzling smiles and endless hugs.
Chicka greets me with kisses and shouts of "MOOOOMMMMYY!!!!!"

It sucks to work
but
how lucky am I to come home to such joy??

******************************

THE JOKE'S ON ME.
I wrote the above earlier and it failed to post.

Since I've been home, I've dealt with puke, poop, boo boos and a husband that is still not home (at almost 7pm).

Shitty end to the week or a shitty start to the weekend??

hhmmmm

2010-02-12T15:13:00.001-05:00

So I thought I would try out the mail2blogger feature so that I don't open my blog at work.

But it's not posting.

Anyone else use this feature? Is there a time delay?

Where did the year go?

2010-02-04T15:06:00.002-05:00

He is ONE.
My surprise baby is ONE.

My little sidekick.

My light.

My love.

On a Monday morning.

2010-01-25T11:43:00.003-05:00

One kidlet at daycare. One napping. Vanilla Latte in hand. Fresh muffins just out of the oven. Considering making soup or some other deliciousness for dinner tonight.

I should go have a shower but Bejeweled Blitz has got me by its evil clutches. Why can't I stop saying "just one more game...."????

I want to go out with my little sidekick today but it's a crappy, rainy day.

Birthday party planned for Jboy this weekend. I need to clean my house, plan the meal, pick up the cake, make up treat bags etc etc etc.

Trying not to think about going back to work in just 2 short weeks.

less than 3 weeks

2010-01-20T09:08:00.002-05:00

The end is so close that I can smell the early morning commutes and filing cabinets. I can almost taste the office politics and daily grind.

That's right. I'm due back at work in less than 3 weeks. 5 weeks until I see a much needed paycheck.

I don't mind my job. It's not bad as far as jobs go. I don't mind my office mates and boss. It's the finality of it all. The fact that I'll never have another mat leave. All I have to look forward to is vacations from here on in. This is it.

Am I happy with how I spent my year? Yes and no. Of course, now that it's almost over, I'm kicking myself for not having more coffee dates with Jobthingy and The Maven. I don't even remember the last time we had one. I'm regretting not getting outside more. I wish that I hadn't spent as much time on the computer. blah blah blah

I'm going to miss my babies so much. I can barely stand to think about it. As much as they can drive me up a wall, they are the loves of my life.

Weighing in.

2010-01-13T10:22:00.004-05:00

Preface: This post is not a reflection of what Kristin wrote. It's more a reflection of the fray in the comments section and ensuing posts.

I've struggled with my weight my whole life. Even when I was 8,9,10 years old, I always felt fat even though I was so not fat. Even when I had a flatflatflat tummy I felt fat. But where I'm at now takes the cake. For now, I really am fat. It's not just poor body image. It's 2 kids, laziness, and a love of all things fattening that made me this way.

I'm pretty self conscious about it. Meeting new people is enough to give me an anxiety attack as I wonder what they're going to think of me.

My new eating plan is going well. I got the Lose It! app on my iPod and track what I eat on there. It's kinda cool because I feel accountable to something. Plus, I actually keep tabs on calories and fat intake. I've been doing really well since Jan. 4. Then last Sunday Frenchie and I had a date night. We went for a steak dinner (thank you gift cards!) at the Keg and even though I didn't even finish my potato and skipped dessert, I gained a pound and a half. (Oh, I did "pig out" on some Nibs at the movie.)

WTF is up with that??

So here's the thing. I don't know if anyone who reads here has kept up with the whole fitness/weight/bullcrap fiasco that took place on Swistle's blog and also at Kristin's Aqufit blog but I have. It's been interesting and eye opening to see such opposing opinions.

There were many commenters like myself who felt defensive over some definitive statements that were made over health/diet/lifestyle. Likewise, there were many commenters who jumped on the bandwagon and made it clear that they believed there's no excuse for being unhealthy/overweight.

Okay. So here's the thing. I can't argue that being healthy is a choice. We eat what we choose to eat. We can be more active if we choose to be. No time? Get up earlier. Stay up later. Work out on lunch breaks. Whatever. It is possible to find the time.

Where I differ is that there are those of us who can eat under a prescribed caloric intake all week - lose 5 lbs and then go out for a steak dinner sans dessert and gain 1.5 lbs. This does not happen to fatskinny people.

It has been like this my entire life. I gain weight by chewing gum. This is not an excuse but the ugly, fat truth. And when people who don't gain weight the way I do, make such vast sweeping judgments (like so many commenters did), it really burns my ass.

Try walking a mile in my fat jeans and see if you're so opinionated after that.

Reality is about to bitchslap me.

2010-01-03T12:08:00.002-05:00

Technically I should be heading back to work on Monday after a year off. I'm not though. I haven't even chosen a date of return.

Oh, return is imminent. I have to work. But I'm having such trouble facing it. With Chicka, I knew when I was going back. I had contacted my employer by now and had it all in hand.

There are a couple of reasons for my reticence.

1. I don't really want to work.
2. I will never again be off on maternity leave which has proved tougher to swallow than I thought.
3. My baby NEEDS me.

It's funny, you know. I may have mentioned it here before but I'm finding that Jboy is wholly mine. When Chicka was born she belonged to everyone. She was a very longed for baby. My parents have raised her almost as much as I have. But Jboy? Mine. When he was born, everyone pitched in to help and help they did by taking care of Chicka while I focused on my son.

For him, the sun rises and sets with me. Not so for Chicka. She was much more independent but he's attached to me.

How can I leave him? For hours every day? My heart breaks at the thought but think of it I must. I may be dragging my feet but returning to work in inevitable. Life is about to change.

so..... yeah

2010-01-02T09:09:00.002-05:00

Midnight, January 1, 2010 started off with a cold.

Well, it also started off with friends and by kissing my husband but the cold is what I may remember because I don't think I've ever had more colds etc than I had in 2009 and if it's the same in 2010 I may have to drown myself in a vat of Benylin.

But anyway. I have been reading all sorts of year-in-review type of posts and would like to do that too except that I don't have the energy to do so. The highlight of my year is pretty plain. I birthed my beautiful baby boy who still has me completely under his spell.

Maybe one reason I'm meh about doing a review post is that I'm so distracted by what the coming year holds. Or rather by something that's absent from the coming year.

Since 2004 I've either been a) trying to get pregnant b) pregnant or c) birthing and mothering an infant.

This year I will not be doing any of those things. What the fuck am I to do with myself? I don't know where to start. Once you're done procreating what types of goals do you set for yourself?

I'm absolutely flummoxed. But I have a glimmering of an idea. Maybe... just maybe... I could make this year about..... ME!

I've already mentioned the whole weight loss thing which shall begin Monday but I also wanted to work on fitness (which may go hand in hand with weightloss for you but doesn't necessarily do so for me) and perhaps most important: my relationship with Frenchie.

Here's to 2010!

2 weeks gone

2009-12-28T09:08:00.002-05:00

I'm disappointed in myself. I think this is the first time I've missed doing a birthday post. Mind you, I rang in 37 by getting outrageously drunk and disorderly. So between praying to the porcelain goddess (when I had the good fortune of making it that far) and nursing my hangover, it's a wonder I did anything that day, never mind blogging about it.

Christmas has come and gone too. Round these parts it was pretty wonderful. My kids had a great time which made me feel all warm and fuzzy. (And that wasn't even the aftereffects of my hangover.) Chicka opened presents with gusto and Jboy busied himself eating the wrapping paper. A good time was had.

As I hugged my babies close and watched Scrooge for the thousandth time with my parents, I gave thanks for my good fortune. It's no small wonder that I couldn't think of a thing I wanted this year for Christmas. My cup runneth over and who needs a new scarf or underwear when you've got two such beautiful kids?

Beautiful kids aside, I wasn't going to turn down the Tassimo coffeemaker that was wrapped up under the tree. What a delight to make lattes in the comfort of my own home. There are no baristas giving me funny looks when I show up for one with my hair askew and my fuzzy slippers on. How cool is that?

Another cool gift? A Wii Fit. At least I thought so until I got to the part when it weighed me. With trepidation I bade Frenchie close his eyes and clicked to the Next Screen. What horrors greeted me there. How did I get this fat??????

So guess what this fat blogging chick will be doing? Making a New Years resolution to lose weight and exercise. You know it's serious when someone who generally doesn't do resolutions is busy making them.

And that about covers it. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!

getting the important stuff done

2009-12-14T14:21:00.003-05:00

I have a million things to do.

Gifts to wrap, baking to do, errands to run.

But you know what I did this morning?

I took a nap with my baby boy. We curled up together and slept for 2 hours.

And you know what?

I think it was hands-down, the best way to spend those 2 hours.

For the record....

2009-12-08T09:26:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a dog's age since I've posted anything. But I'm past caring.

I've been sick for what feels like months but is more likely close to 4 weeks. The kids have been sick even longer. I think we're finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I've been fooled before.

There's nothing new really.

-My sisters were here for an early Christmas celebration.
-I'm going to be (gasp!) 37 shortly.
-I made the leap and got Mirena. Not because we need it for birth control but because I'm so sick of menstruating. It seems so pointless now.
-I'm done my Christmas shopping and my cards are ready for the mail. This makes me feel good.
-What doesn't make me feel good is the large amounts of wrapping I have to do.
-We Frenchie bought a ridiculously huge TV. So we're now in deeper debt.
-I have to go back to work soon. I don't have the stomach to even think about it but I must let them know my return to work date.

God I miss having stuff to write about. What the hell happened to me?

My baby is walking.

2009-11-23T16:42:00.001-05:00

At 9.5 months my baby has started to walk. This is a short video compilation that my Dad made.

My meetings with beautiful people.

2009-11-15T15:59:00.005-05:00

Yesterday something very cool happened. I met MyReality!!! In the grand scheme of things we don't really live too far apart. Maybe 4 hours or thereabouts so we finally managed to pick a date to meet half way.

She's very pregnant and due on ..... my birthday!! How cool is that? I've got my fingers crossed for a timely delivery and then I figure the least she could do is give that child the middle name Sky. Or even my real name. :)

Anyway, we had a wonderful time and she graciously gave me permission to post a photo of us taken before we headed home in opposite directions.
We've been blogging friends for a long time now and I'm pleased to tell you that she's just as wonderful in person. We have batted around the idea of meeting up again next summer with kidlets and husbands in tow. That would be much fun.

And since I'm posting pictures, I finally got around to getting permission from kgrrl and Kristin to post pics of our meeting of the minds when I was in Vancouver.

Here we are in a slightly off centre and purposely crooked shot. The picture taker may or may not have had a few shots. Please note how put together the 2 of them look compared to small town me.

Kgrrl was very gracious and let me sister-in-law do silly things to her hair.
My sister and I get cozy.
Kristin and the cute as heck Corey.
You're welcome. :)

Alright already!

2009-11-05T16:37:00.003-05:00

For some reason I stuck my tongue out for many pics that night. Here I am touching tongues with Frenchie. It's not a very flattering photo but it gives you a pretty good idea how the night went.

BTW, you can't fully see what is written on Frenchie's face but if anyone watches The Office, they'll get it right away. :)
The "B" is hidden from view. He's Facebook. :)

I was a devil. Imagine!

2009-11-04T10:29:00.003-05:00

Frenchie and I went out with friends to celebrate Halloween. I haven't been out to party on Halloween for 7 years and let's just say, I can't remember the last time the two of us went out with friends to party.

What a blast.

I may have danced all night. I may have done shooters. I may have kissed a girl. I may have been chatted up by a guy. I may have been felt up by a stranger.

And it made me feel like a million bucks in spite of the next tired morning with a slight hangover.

So worth it.

at peace with my decision

2009-11-02T14:53:00.002-05:00

After I posted about my confusion about whether or not to get my kids and myself vaccinated with the H1N1 shots, I had come very close to concluding that we wouldn't be getting it.

I did some reading, some advice soliciting, some thinking and decided that we would opt out. My plan was to just be careful through the flu season, hope for the best and count on the fact that we're pretty healthy people overall.

Then, a local-to-the-greater-area girl died. An otherwise healthy girl died.

*gulp*

Nothing quite puts things in perspective like the real possibility of my kids dying. I kept thinking of that girls' poor parents. About a young life cut short. My view quickly shifted.

So, needless to say, I decided that the risk of the shot was better than the risk of the shot.

Then all hell broke loose.

Clinics opened around the city and outlying areas. (I'm in an outlying area) People crowded to them, sometimes lining up for hours and getting turned away (shortly after opening) because the clinics had reached capacity for the day. The newspapers and new shows have been showing overwhelming scenes of people with babies and small children lining up for hours in the cold.

WTH?

How the hell am I supposed to line up for hours in the cold with a 2.5 yo that won't stay still and a 9 month old??? How???

I'm peeved at the process. I know that we're not the only area dealing with this sort of problem and I'm sure you'll agree with me that there's got to be a better way. I mean really! Talk about creating panic.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that my parents (who would go to hell and back for my kids) got up at 5am, bundled up, grabbed a thermos of coffee and parked themselves outside the clinic doors this morning. They were not the first there but they weren't far behind. As a result of their investment of time, my kids were among the first vaccinated.

I feel good about my decision but not too happy about having to go through it again for Round 2 of their shots and then again for myself.

As I said, there has GOT to be a better way.

special cookies

2009-10-31T11:46:00.002-04:00

During my recent trip to Van to visit my sister, my hosts revealed that they had a pot cookie or two in their freezer. Suggestions were put forth that perhaps we should have one.

Well, let me just tell you that the last time I got stoned was years ago. So long ago that I don't even remember when exactly it was. The truth is that while I have done my share of experimenting (mostly in my teens and early 20s) booze is my drug of choice.

When I drink I rarely do it to excess and always feel in control of myself and what I'm doing. When I get stoned, it's the opposite. While it's still an enjoyable feeling and laughing at the colour of the carpet certainly does have it's humour, I don't feel in control at all and I don't like that feeling.

In the past, I've been silly enough to get high around people that were either a)strangers or b)not close enough for me to be comfortable with. Because I say some pretty silly shit when I'm stoned, I tend to clam up altogether if I'm not around a select few friends.

But since these were two that I'm most comfortable around, I thought What the hell? And boy was it funny. I've never eaten a pot cookie or brownie before having always gone the harsher route of inhaling it. Well, let me tell you this was the way to go.

Everything was so funny. Unfunny stuff was funny. I was having conversations in my head and then blurting part of it out to my sisters and then laughing uproariously. It really was the best kind of high.

When I came clean to my blogger buddies that I had eaten a pot cookie the night previous, both were flummoxed that I'd never had one before. Honestly though, I have never had the opportunity. Is pot baking just a thing on the West Coast?

Have you ever had a pot cookie?

I'm back

2009-10-27T12:16:00.003-04:00

Well!!!

I'm back from a short, busy, exhausting, exhilarating mini trip. Well, it wasn't mini in the sense of how far I traveled (something over 3000 kms) but rather mini in the sense of time. It was only an extended weekend really so I packed tons into it therefore exhausting my physical self but stimulating my senses and my mental health.

In short, I'm footsore and weary but feel great. I wonder how long it will last?

I did everything from fearfully seeing what crickets taste like at the Vancouver Aquarium to going to a lesbian birthday party to walking through Stanley Park to meeting two fabulous blog friends.

The meeting? Was amazing! I've been reading Kristin's blog(s) longer than I've been reading anyone else. She's stellar online but even better in person being gracious and kind and genuinely interested. Kgrrl was funny and friendly and charming and a very good sport with my pigtail obsessed sister in law.

I haven't uploaded my pics yet but I will post one of the meeting of the minds if they don't mind. Many shots were had, drinks were consumed, laughter abounded. It's so heartwarming to meet women I've known for so long and being smitten with both of them.

Otherwise, the weekend was also everything I expected it to be and more. Vancouver is the most wonderful city and its residents are overwhelmingly and deservedly proud. It rains a lot though but getting wet was a small price to pay for such a great time.

More later.

briefly from the west coast

2009-10-25T11:07:00.002-04:00

Well!

I'm currently in beautiful Vancouver enjoying my first time here and visiting with my sister(s). It's early and the time difference is showing as I'm up before anyone else after another late night.

I'm having a wonderful but exhausting time of it and have some bragging to do about the wonderful women I met on Friday night. I shall post pics of these blogging divas when I get back.

this n that

2009-10-14T10:54:00.004-04:00

Chicka's in daycare today and Jboy is sleeping.

I tell you this because it makes no sense that Toopy & Binoo (a family favourite) is playing on the TV as I write this.

I need to shower while I have the opportunity but yet, here I sit.

The daycare girls must think I'm weird. I drop off Chicka looking like a bag of shit but when I pick her up, I'm showered, make uped and dressed appropriately.

I just finished an xlarge Timmy's but I need more coffee. I'm too lazy to make some.

I'm alone tonight as Frenchie's out of town for the night.

This wouldn't bother me so much if we didn't have such a crappy night last night.

As of today my flu shot decision is this: None for Jboy. Regular seasonal flu shot for Chicka, myself and Frenchie. And perhaps H1N1 for Frenchie and me but that's not decided yet.

Jboy switched out of the bucket carseat this weekend. It was just getting waaaay too heavy. My life just got more difficult (wah! poor me). This morning I had to get them both buckled in and out without dropping the baby and Chicka running off. Fun.

I'm going out west in just over a week. I am getting so excited particularly since I may be meeting up with Her and Her!

Okay okay. I really need to turn off Treehouse, publish this babble and grab that shower now.

the one where I talk about puke

2009-10-07T13:26:00.003-04:00

What a horrible few days. Just as I was contemplating flu shots, the nasty bugger decided to rip its way through my house.

First Chicka started coughing and sported a runny nose. Then I started getting congested. Then Chicka got feverish and started throwing up. And then she threw up some more. And then some more for good measure.

This was followed by Jboy getting a runny nose. Then a fever. Then the puking started with him. Then more puking. And wait for it! More puking.

Why is it that kids throw up when they get the flu but adults rarely do? I remember barfing up my lungs when I was a kid but as an adult I don't think I've ever thrown up unless I was a)pregnant or b) hungover.

Chicka has bounced back. Jboy is back to his adorable happy self. Frenchie has the sniffles but nothing worse.

Unfortunately my little Typh0id Mary managed to infect a few others that I know about. I'm feeling guilty about that which is absurd. Other than that, I completely happy about having a relaxing, uneventful day for the first time since last week. I even feel buoyant enough to title this post in Friends fashion.

Things taking up space in my head right now

2009-10-02T10:51:00.002-04:00

1. My upcoming trip out west. I'm so excited about it.

2. H1N1 vaccine. Should I get it? Should my kids? What are YOU going to do?

***

ETA - I am responding to comments on this one.

2009-09-29T14:50:00.003-04:00

You can say it.

For shame Sky!!!!!! At times like this, when I go so long without posting, I consider giving it up. But I shall soldier on. Only a few more months before I return to work and you can all rejoice at the more regular posting from me.

Who knows? I may even have something interesting to say. Anyone out there still care? I wouldn't blame you for giving up on me, deleting me out of your feeds for a lost cause.

So, here's what's going on in my life, in brief:

trying to be a good mom is taking up most of my time. My kids are growing so fast and although some days I want to string them up, I'm endeavoring to be the kind of Mom I want to be.
I'm addicted to Facebook Scrabble on my iPod. Anyone play?
I've started Christmas shopping
Chicka is now going to daycare twice a week. I had a hard time with this decision but she's doing well.
I'm planning a trip! Out west to see my sister and her partner. I'm going without husband and kids. I'm so excited. It's only for a long weekend but enough to thrill me to pieces.
I went jean shopping the other day. I won't repeat the size I had to buy but let me just tell you that I wanted to cry in the dressing room.
Jboy is a busy little guy. Sitting and pulling up and trying to grab everything in sight.
Chicka is growing up. She's sleeping in a big girl bed now but we still haven't started potty training. I'm not sure if this is because she's not ready or I'm not ready.
Sleeping in this house is hit or miss so my creative juices have dried up.
Have a counseling session coming up to help me deal with some issues. Because I'm considered postpartum still, the county is footing the bill. This is good 'cause when it comes to stuff like this, my benefits are wanting.
I'm planning on meeting up with a blogger this weekend. I can't wait to meet her and hug her in person.

Yep. That's about it in a nutshell. Kidlets are calling. Must go sit my giant ass on the floor and play with them.

My brilliance will astound you.

2009-09-07T16:53:00.005-04:00

So Jboy is weaning. Basically we have 1 last daily nursing session (bedtime) left but that, too, will soon go the way of the dodo bird. I've been sleeping in the guest room for the past few nights so Frenchie can try to get him used to spending more time in the crib.

I'm all for co-sleeping but it's been long enough. Mommy needs sleep.

So anyway, needless to say, my boobs were pretty full after the first night. Usually the little monkey uses me as a human pacifier. Yesterday I started to feel like I might have a blocked milk duct.

This is nothing new. I've had it happen to me a few times. Apply a little heat, nurse a bit and voila - all gone! So I got out the trusty, most magical of magic bags and tossed it in the microwave for the usual 2 minutes. Beep beep beep. Sit on couch. Apply to boob. (It's worth noting that I applied the heat bag OVER my bra.)

Yeah. So here's where I need to backtrack. Long time readers will know that I had breast reduction surgery years ago. Unfortunately, most of my nerves went the way of the extra breast tissue so I have very little feeling in my breasts but I'm practically numb on the undersides.

TMI?

Aaaannnyway. I was sitting there playing scrabble on my ipod and letting the heat do it's thing. Ouch! This feels hot and I'm slightly uncomfortable but grin and bear it right? I mean, you deal with it to get rid of the blocked duct.

On with my evening.....

Shortly after I went to change into my jammies. Oy! What's that? Why does my skin look funny?

Holy fuck. I fried my boob. FRIED IT. Fried it to the point of angry, red, blistering, peeling skin.

2 boxes of gauze and 1 embarrassing trip to the clinic later, I'm feeling pretty sheepish that I was so oblivious to what I was doing. I am sporting blue ink around the affected areas so that I can keep an eye on possible infection. As I can't feel any pain there, infection is the big worry.

It's okay. You're allowed to laugh at the ridiculous thing I've done to myself. Hey! At least I can't feel the pain right?

Favourties III

2009-08-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

This day sucks rocks. But instead of ranting, I shall post more faves.....

In case you missed the first two installments, I'm writing about my favourite things. It actually takes me awhile to compile a list of 10 because my brain is fried and I can't think straight most days. But that's neither here nor there.

21. Nibs. How I love thee. You are low in fat but tasty. Thank you for being you.

22. Shopping. Okay. So I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me because this is so stereotypically female of me but here's the thing. Shopping RELAXES me. It's a strange thing but my body slows down, my thoughts slow down, tension eases. I just feel good. And I don't even have to buy anything. (Although I must say that buying things appeases me on a whole different level.)

23. Memory Foam Pillow. I'm going to let you in on a secret. If you were to open my guest room closet or linen closet you would be assaulted with the view of many discarded pillows. You see, I'm on the search for the perfect pillow. I keep pillow companies in business with my quest. But recently I splurged and bought myself a memory foam pillow in hopes that it is the answer and the madness can stop. It's heavy and firm and wonderful. It has yet to pass the long term test but gets 2 thumbs up for the short term test.

24, Bumbo Chair. I bought this for Chicka and thought I had just done something wonderful. However, she had no use for it. All told, she may have spent 10 minutes in it. Jboy on the otherhand? I am pleased to report that it was worth every penny!

25. Dark Chocolate. Beats milk chocolate hands down and I don't feel terribly guilty about eating it. Often I'll keep a bar in the cupboard and just have a small piece after dinner. It makes me feel like I'm not "dieting".

26. Spacesavers. What? Seriously, I live in a small house so one of my favourite things is spacesavers in any form. I've got pot racks on my wall. Cube shelves by my back door, ottomans with hidden storage, under-the-bed bags and so on and so on. I have to admit that Ikea has got some great and cost effective storage ideas.

27. Winners. Oh Winners. You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I can pick up a namebrand item on the cheap or a unique and affordable gift. If you sold coffee, you'd probably never get rid of me. I'd have to camp out in one of your stores.

28. Timmy's. What's Timmy's? asks my American readers. (Except for Edge and LG.) Well, Tim Horton's is a little piece of Canada that sells GREAT and AFFORDABLE coffee. Many of us Canucks can credit Timmy's with getting us through our days.

29. Pomtinis. The perfect summer cooler. Not too sweet so you can drink many of them. :) They come in blueberry or apple flavour too. I heart them all.

30. Treehouse TV. I owe my sanity to you. Enough said.

Yet another post about sleep

2009-08-26T10:17:00.003-04:00

I've really been wanting to write these days but I'm zombified by Jboy's insistence of night wakings, feedings and snugglings.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE cuddling with the little devil. And I know that I've got it pretty easy since he usually falls right back to sleep as soon as I tuck him next to my body. However, night wakings just fuck with me. I don't feel rested. My neck is sore since I'm usually stuck in one position while cuddling and normally I change positions a lot when I sleep.

The flu has had it's way with my kids and now they're both sporting runny noses. It's been fun.

BUT!

Jboy slept for 10 straight hours last night. Ten. Blissful. Uninterrupted. Hours.

Please please please let this be the start of something and not just a fluke. I NEED my sleep. I'm so grouchy and impatient these days. It's wearing thin on me, let alone every one else in the house.

2009-08-20T12:28:00.002-04:00

I've got my hair in pigtails today.

Feeling edgy and bitchy so I'm trying to counteract that with the pigtails.

Not sure if it's working.

Unspoken Truths

2009-08-12T10:01:00.004-04:00

My girl XUP (have you read her? You should.) came up with a neat idea. Her brainwave inspired by Post Secret was to

do an interactive post about “messages not sent” where people could share a little message to someone dead or someone they’ll never meet or never meet again. Something they wish they’d said, but never got a chance to. Or messages to people still around that you know you’ll never deliver.

So I decided to run with it here. I'm going to post my own. And boy, it was difficult to commit some of these to text. Feel free to add yours in comments or do your own post.

Dear Grandpa: I'm sorry I wasn't there when you died but part of me wonders if you waited until I left.

Dear Pete: I will never ever forgive you for what you did to me. You damaged me for life.

Dear Julie: I had a girl crush on you. That night in the car I flirted like I was on a date with a boy.

Dear Reg: Remember when I convinced you that you must have caught crabs from the dorm toilets? Yeah, I slept with my crabby Ex over the Christmas break and then gave them to you. I'm really sorry about that.

Dear Kelly: I'm really sorry that I blamed you when you weren't the problem at all.

Dear Frenchie: I had an emotional affair on you during our first year of marriage. I regret it very much.

Dear Tom: First, I regret that I never told you how much you meant to me. Second, I hate you for obviously not feeling the same way.

Dear Mom: I'm working on getting over my resentment at how you crammed religion down my throat when I was younger. But honestly, it's affected my life in ways I can't even understand.

Dear Jen: I worry about you every day and feel saddened that just because I moved away you no longer felt you could confide in me. There is no one that I've known for as long as I've known you. I thought that would've counted for more.

Dear Mr. McTeacher: You are a pervert for putting your hand down my top to feel my 11 year old breasts. I wonder how many other little girls you did that to? Bastard.

Dear Rob: I think you are pathetic and I'm sooooooo fucking glad that I didn't end up with you.

Whew! I think that's enough for now. What about you? Got anything that you wouldn't or couldn't deliver?

Favourites II

2009-08-11T12:15:00.000-04:00

My next batch of faves. Why is it that I have a hard time remembering what I love?

Oh that's right. I have a hard time remembering EVERYTHING!

11. My laptop. It's my baby and I love it. Most days I would feel like a shut in without it.

12. The Chronicles of Narnia. Never get tired of reading these. Every time I do - which is once every couple of years - I escape for just a little while back to childhood where anything is possible. I was sooooooo excited when I heard they were being made into motion pictures.

13. Byblos perfume. I heart it. I came across it years ago when I was shopping with girlfriends in Montreal. I have other scents that I like but this one has been a fave for the best part of 15 years.

14. Clinique Almost Lipstick. Current shade? Black Honey. I've NEVER found a wearable lipstick until I found this.

15. Starbucks. Or St. Arbucks as an old friend used to called it. My usual? Venti Cinnamon Dolce Latte but these days I've been getting Skinny Vanilla Latte for a change of pace.

16. Body Shop Cocoa Butter Body Butter. I love this stuff but at $20 for a tub I don't often buy it anymore. I love the smell of this stuff so much, I wish I could eat it. I used to rub a little bit under my nose before I went to bed just so I could smell it longer.

17. Christmas dinner. Let's just put it this way: I love turkey dinner so much that it was on the menu at my wedding. I could eat my weight in stuffing (that's a LOT of stuffing!). Of course, it has to be my Mom's recipe.

18. PC Just Peanuts Crunchy Peanut Butter. I eat it every day. It's impossible to go back to overprocessed PB after you've had this.

19. Red Wine. I drink so much of it that I buy it by the box. But my favourite affordable bottle is Lindeman's Bin 40 Merlot. mmmmmm. I'm already looking forward to the evening just so I can have a glass.

20. Our Personal Video Recorder. How did we ever live without something that could fastforward through commercials or pause when we have to pee? How?

I wouldn't make a very good elephant

2009-08-10T21:15:00.002-04:00

I am so forgetful these days. I would write it off to Mommyhood but really, I think it's over the top. Just now, for instance, I was sitting here thinking "oh yeah, I need to do ______."

I finished what I was doing which took about 15 seconds and went to do what I had planned but had forgotten what it was. I'm racking my brain but it's completely gone.

What's up with that?

My Favourite Things I

2009-08-06T11:30:00.007-04:00

So the fool is doing something cool. He's attempting to compile a list of 100 of his favourite things. I thought that was such a nifty idea that I needed to do that myself. I'm going to start with my first 10 and they are in no particular order.

Besides when you're experiencing writer's block, lists are a good filler. :)

1. My iPod Touch. It was a Mother's Day present and one of the best things I've ever owned. I love love love it.

2. Stiff Kickass Curls. This is the best, most affordable product I've found for my curls. I use it along with a touch of spray gel before I diffuse my hair and my curls are more defined and longer lasting. I'd love to hear about curly hair products if anyone's got a recommendation.

3. The Itzbeen. I know I've said it before but it's been the best way for me to keep track of baby stuff. Buttons for meds, diapers, bottles and even a little flashlight. It's great for any new Mom while they find their rhythm and recover from sleepless nights.

4. Smoothies. My current fave is mango/orange. I add some whey protein and fibre powder and it's a whole meal.

5. Girl Guide Cookies. The original ones. I love both the chocolate and vanilla.

6. Pedicures at Jask. I pay through the nose for them but don't do it too often. They are bliss and my feet thank me after.

7. Dido. She has a voice that moves me and soothes me.

8. Fruit of the Loom Bikini Undies. Usually in white. Not very sexy of me, I know, but they're comfy, don't crawl up my ass and are cost effective.

9. Costco Sesame Bagels. Why are they so much better than other bagels?

10. Baby Feet. Is there anything more kissable than baby feet?

links

2009-08-05T09:40:00.002-04:00

As is obvious if you click over from Reader I've been doing a little work on the blog. This is not permanent as I'd like to come up with something that is a little more Me but it was easy enough to do this in the meantime.

Last time I fiddled with my template, I lost all my links. I'm trying to get everything added back in and up to date so please take a look at the side and let me know what's missing.

I'm hoping that this mini makeover will give me some motivation to come and write more.

End of [Holi]Days

2009-08-04T11:46:00.002-04:00

I hate how the end of holidays always screws me up. I feel blue and out of sorts. I call it vacation hangover.

For a brief spot of time we get to forget ourselves and enjoy just being with each other and doing things for pleasure. We see friends and stay up late and drink too much.

Should life be like that? Shouldn't we work less and play more? When did life get so serious?

2009-08-03T09:32:00.002-04:00

Holy shit. Life went into overdrive for the past week. We had out of town company and then went camping.

Camping? you ask.

Why yes, we took our 2 little ones and went camping. In a tent trailer.

And actually it didn't go half badly except for the early morning wake ups that Chicka treated us to. I may have drank a wee bit too much over the course of the weekend but hey, it sure felt good.

They had a big dance type thing at the main pavilion on the campground. I went up there with my girlfriend who knows a lot of people that camp there. It was kind of a weird experience. I felt conspicuous or something. Do you ever feel like when you're somewhere that you don't know many people? I felt like a grinning idiot as I stood by while she visited and laughed with people. I didn't quite know what to do with myself and felt really out of place.

Part of this I write off to my rusty social skills. Another part of it, I think is due to my discomfort with my weight. I just feel so huge and ugly most of the time. I often wonder how I look to other people.

Anyway, aside from that awkward part of the weekend, it went swimmingly well. I'm so happy we tried it and hope to do it again.

*****

I'm thinking of paying someone to give my blog an overhaul. If you feel like it, give me some feedback with referrals. I'd like to have a look around.

Bleck.

2009-07-24T12:29:00.004-04:00

I had what passes for a post all written out but then when I read it over decided that even I was bored reading it. I don't delete often but sometimes you just gotta.

So anyway... I've been giving some thought to someone's suggestion that writing everyday is the key to having something to write about. I think it makes sense in a way and plan on making an honest effort of it once things calm down around here.

Whatever happened to lazy summers?

Flashback

2009-07-21T11:10:00.002-04:00

July 21, 2006: My first (and only, as it turned out) IUI. My heart was in my throat. Mind desperately trying to banish the what ifs that were crowding my thoughts.

After 2 long years of trying, I was about 2 weeks away from finding out I was pregnant for the first time.

Today: I have a precocious 2 year old and an adorable 5 month old. Life is crazy and chaotic and mostly beautiful. My days are filled with swings and bottles and Treehouse TV and soothers.

And also today, Frenchie gets the big snip.

Life sure has come full circle in 3 years.

time away

2009-07-14T10:20:00.003-04:00

Girls' weekend was a success. Me and the girls were up till all hours on Saturday night.

successful campfire in spite of damp kindling
easy dinner
laughing
many many many drinks consumed
joyrides in golfcarts
mud
peeing in the bushes
laughing
newfies
new friends
laughing
boatride

Did I mention laughing? I don't think I've ever laughed so much.

I don't know if I recharged so much as let loose. We didn't get to bed until almost 3am but just having 24 hours free of handtugging and whining and bottles and diapers and whatnot was wonderful.

But I was anxious to leave my wee one. He's a mommy's boy through and through and hasn't let me out of his sight too much since I got home.

Daddy and kids survived an eventful night. And I was happy as anything to see my babies.

I need to do that more often.

You'd think I could write a better post since I barely post at all these days.

2009-07-09T11:46:00.003-04:00

Believe it or not there was a time when I would blog every day. Every day whether you liked it or not. Guess I had a lot to say. Speaking of which, as of 2 days ago, I've been blogging for 5 years now. It would seem that I'm a lifer. There aren't many of us oldtimers left actually. Most have just faded away.

I don't search out new blogs anymore. If someone new comments here I always follow them back to see their blog but I don't often visit a new blog just to check it out anymore. At least not very often. I think I've gotten to comfortable here and perhaps a bit stagnant.

I wonder what I would find if I hit that 'next blog' button now? Or if I raided the links of some of my favourite bloggers?

Anyway, I don't have much time now anyway. Summer is cramping my blogging style. 2 kids are definitely cramping my blogging style and my lazy nature is definitely cramping my blogging style.

Maybe I need a new look to kickstart myself. I used to always do my templates myself but am actually entertaining the idea of hiring someone to do it. A few of you have done that. Any thoughts to share?

I fooled around with my template a couple of months ago but just wasn't happy. In the process I've lost of my links. Perhaps one day I'll find the energy to add everything again. In the meantime I follow everyone on Reader except for a couple that I used my links list for.

Oh and speaking of blogging, here's something interesting: Neighbour Guy emailed me the other night asking for my opinion about blogging. Best host, how to gain readership etc.

I gave him some advice and moved on. Now I imagine him doing one of two things. Either blogging all of his sexual fantasies or blathering on about how he's not getting any. Maybe a bit of both. I felt like he wanted me to ask him to share his new digs with me but I didn't indulge him at all.

Bleck.

But hey! This weekend I'm getting away for a whole 24 hours. Me and a couple of girlfriends. I couldn't be more excited. An uninterrupted sleep? No little fingers grabbing mine or pulling my hair. No crying, no whining. No bonehead husband that can't do anything without being asked.

It'll be a miracle if I ever come back.

No one

2009-06-30T15:42:00.001-04:00

And I mean no one, can push my buttons the way my two year old can.

Why can't I be one of those uber patient sweet Mommies??

Random tidbits while I wait for the baby to wake up while I should be cleaning

2009-06-22T12:38:00.003-04:00

It's a daycare day which means I have a little more time to myself than usual.

Because I usually have too much to do, I very rarely wear make up anymore. I'm finally getting used to being seen in public without it.

I like having pink hair.

Coffee addiction has increased tenfold since I became the mother of two.

I'm so unhappy with my weight but feeling down about it makes me eat more junk.

Going crazy trying to get Chicka to stop scratching mosquito bites until they bleed.

Have not had sex again but am entertaining the idea.

People keep asking me when I'm going to have number 3. Are they fucking crazy? Do I not look as insane as I feel?

I love my baby boy more than life itself. He's getting so big!

I'm trying to plan to get away for a night with the girls but it's hard because I don't feel like I can leave Frenchie alone with the 2 kids since I know how difficult it is.

It's blazing hot here. I went out for a walk yesterday and promptly melted all over the sidewalk.

The kids and I gave Frenchie a hammock for Father's Day. Am regretting this as he has no time to relax since we have too much to do.

Have caught up on all blogs although I've rarely commented. I still can't believe Edge is actually gone and Monkey split with Jen.

I keep buying cookbooks and kitchen gadgets hoping that I'll be inspired to cook more. It's not working. I think you either enjoy it or don't. Those who don't provide mediocre and frozen meals for families for the rest of time.

More later.

Proof

2009-06-13T11:57:00.001-04:00

D0ra comes to mind

2009-06-12T09:48:00.004-04:00

Do you know that D0ra song?

"We did it!
We did it!
We did it!
Yay!"

That's what I have in my head this morning because last night we did indeed do IT.

Finally.

well....

2009-06-11T16:02:00.002-04:00

I did something completely off the wall yesterday. Actually, I let someone else do it to me.

I guess maybe I've been feeling a little down lately. Unmotivated and a little bored with the monotony.

So my sister in law got out the pink hair dye and gave me a makeover. I've got a lock in front and some in the back. I think it was just what I needed. :)

Weekly check in

2009-06-09T15:00:00.002-04:00

Well, it's official. I am now a once a week blogger. I blame multiple things for this:

1. Two kids. One of which likes to attach himself to me and the other of which likes to run me ragged.

2. Nice weather.

3. Lack of interesting things to say.

4. My iPod Touch. I spend most of my online time on this and don't relish the thought of typing a post on it. Commenting is challenging enough on that tiny keyboard.

Anyway, as I implied, there's not much new. My days are so monotonous that I can't think about it for too long for fear that I'll lose my tenuous grip on my sanity. May go on a day trip tomorrow which would be very cool.

Gotta run. Baby just woke up.

new outlook

2009-05-29T14:27:00.002-04:00

Finally I'm getting a few spare minutes to check in. It's been so crazy around here that when I do have 10 spare minutes, blogging if pretty far down on the list.

First and foremost: Chicka did smashingly well at Daycare. I'm thrilled to pieces. She didn't participate in naptime of course but I knew she wouldn't. Other than that it was great. And can I just say right now that choosing Mondays was a wise decision. I felt like after my "day off" on Monday I could handle anything.

As an added bonus, I had someone offer to babysit for me on Wednesday morning so my girlfriend and I went shopping and to Fourbucks. It was pure heaven and we decided that once school is out we're going to enlist a babysitter to do it for us once a week so that we can get out of the house.

So I'm not sure if it's the breaks I've had or the meds I'm on (or perhaps the perfect combination of the two) but I've just felt absolutely fantastic this week. My mood is better, I've had much more patience and I'm starting to chip away at the chaos that I live in.

Still no sex though.

One thing at a time right?

:)

Didn't anticipate this

2009-05-25T09:47:00.003-04:00

I just dropped Chicka off at Daycare for the first time. I am MUCH more nervous than I anticipated. Felt really torn as I left. She didn't notice as I walked out the door but how will she feel when she realizes I'm gone?

I think I'm going to be on pins and needles all day.

catching up on the bits and pieces

2009-05-22T13:53:00.003-04:00

Sheesh. Everyday I think about coming here but then I have no time. Chicka's still got some major attitude happening so I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with her in hopes of getting her to chill out a bit.

There's a bit going on but nothing much exciting. I was surprised to see all the comments of support with regards to my decision to daycare once a week. Thanks for that. I guess I was just expecting a bit more of the backlash that I have read in some places. This coming Monday will be Chicka's first day in daycare without me there. I've gone twice with her to "visit" and let her get used to it. I don't think she'll even spare me a backwards glance when I drop her off but I have to admit that I'm a bit worried about her as the day wears on.

Jboy still refuses to give me a decent night's sleep which I swear hurts all the more because we were getting a solid 7 hours or so there for a few weeks. I'm more than ready to give up breastfeeding. It's become an uphill battle that's cost is starting to outweigh the benefits. However, I can't see quitting until the nights are a little better. What to do?

On the sex front, there's still nothing happening. I did go out and buy condoms the other day but they remain sealed up in their box. Frenchie suggested sex the other night but I had to be honest and tell him that I'd rather watch American Idol. How sad am I?

Speaking of American Idol.... WTF is up with Adam Lambert not winning?? This is the first time I've really watched Idol from start to finish and am completely flummoxed by America's choice. I like Kris Allen just fine. But to beat out Adam Lambert? The biggest pro for Adam not winning is that he's not forced to record that HIDEOUS song that the winner is forced to sing.

Anyway, other than all these hodge podgey things that are going on (have you even made it this far?), there's one more thing. My dreams. Bear with me. Remember when I wrote about Tom a couple of months ago? Well, the shit never bothered responding to my short note even though he had quickly responded to my initial friend query and asked where I'd been. I stop in on his profile occasionally and see he's adding friends and a few pics and whatnot but never has he said boo to me again.

This fucking smarts. It's obvious that he played a much bigger role in my life than I did in his. And to boot, I've started having crazy dreams about him. Almost nightly. Like dreams where we run into each other again and sometimes we hook up. Sometimes we ignore each other, sometimes we hang out and chat. WTF?

It's not like I want to be with him. I can see that we are not suited to each other and I'm happy with my choices and my life. So why these dreams?

It's driving me crazy. Clearly, looking him up on FB was a mistake. I never should have gone there.

life of sky

2009-05-15T08:41:00.003-04:00

Good grief. I've been blogging for almost 5 years now and I never thought I'd be absent from my blog for so long. The thing is that I've just had nothing interesting to write about but I've been following your lives religiously.

We celebrated Mother's Day with a bbq but I have to admit that my thoughts were often with those women out there who are struggling to build a family. I think that it will always be like that for me. I simply cannot forget how painful it was to be unsuccessful.

The mindfuck of it all is that I actually conceived last Mother's Day. Frenchie had a lot of making up to do after royally fucking up the day before. Mother's Day was nice and we had make up sex that night. A few weeks later I discovered that I was pregnant.

There was no way I was having sex on Sunday. We still haven't taken care of the birth control conundrum and even though Frenchie was willing to forage through bathroom drawers in search of 6 year old condoms, I said no. A six year old condom might as well be no condom at all right?

Things having been difficult around here lately. Jboy has stopped sleeping through the night which makes me tired tired tired. And Chicka has been trying my last, frayed nerve almost constantly. Some days I just don't know how I'll make it through to when Frenchie gets home. There have been times when I've headed out the door as soon as he's walked in just to get out for a bit on my own.

Chicka has always been challenging but the Twos are godawful. I shall admit to something that may have some of you shaking your heads at me - I'm enrolling her in one day of daycare a week. I've done this for a few reasons.

1. To get her in the door for when I go back to work. Kids that are already in the system get into full time daycare quicker.

2. To give her the opportunity to play with other kids her own age. I think this will do wonders for her speech and interactions.

3. To give me a bloody break every Monday.

Very un-Mom like of me I know. Tell me how terrible I am if you must but I know that having a break will make me a better Mom on the other days I have with her and honestly, she has the time of her life playing with other kids. I took her for a visit the other day and she didn't even look back before she excitedly joined the other kids.

So that's the life of sky these days. Thrilling, I know. One of these days I'll get back to juicy, interesting posts, I promise.

I have funny tan lines

2009-05-05T14:59:00.004-04:00

I'm typing this outside and it's nearly impossible to see my laptop screen. I can see my reflection really well though. It just seems a shame to spend even a minute of such a beautiful day inside. Especially when it's calling for rain for the next few.

Things are hectic around here these days. I feel like I'm running on fumes. Jboy has stopped sleeping through the night much to my disappointment. Between my interrupted nights and Chicka's refusal of daytime naps these days, I'm feeling at the end of my rope.

My Dad was here today and promptly took Chicka out when he saw how close I was to the edge. Thank goodness for grandparents. I never had mine around when I was little and it's easy to see what I missed out on. Visiting grandparents always required vacation time and car travel.

Anyway, I'm about to do something I've never done. Arrange for a sitter. Sure, I've left my kids with my parents but that's it. The only other person Chicka has ever been left with is a close friend who just happens to be her playmate's Mom.

No, I'm actually thinking about paying a teenager to come and watch my children. I won't be far seeing I'm just wanting to get out and do some yardwork and not have to attend to the kids every 2 minutes but I figure that's a good trial run.

It's exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time and you guys probably think I'm a nutcase for not doing it sooner. :)

sixes and sevens

2009-04-30T10:40:00.002-04:00

That's me today. I'm tired and grooveless. Having trouble facing the day.

Update on the sex situation: Still not having any. I considered it the other day but then realized that we have no birth control. Considering I got pregnant without trying the last time, I'm not willing to risk it. Guess I'll have to go and buy some - ug! - condoms.

I'm considering an IUD and Frenchie has asked for a referral for the ole snip snip but we just haven't gotten it together yet. And here I worked myself up to the whole idea.

Anyway, we're too tired to have sex anyway. Jboy had a restless night and Chicka had an early morning. I'm a bit zombie-like today. I'm just looking forward to nap time so that I can go out and haul rocks around my back yard. Fun stuff. Maybe I should nap too instead of doing things that need to be done?

blah blah blah

2009-04-28T11:31:00.002-04:00

I am so unmotivated today. We're all still in our jammies. It's raining. The weather we're having is manic. One day beautiful, the next cold and rainy.

It's fucking with me.

I look around my house and know that there's so much to be done but I can't muster the energy to do any of it.

I need summer. I need sun. I need a vacation. I need more adult contact.

dry spell

2009-04-24T09:27:00.002-04:00

I haven't had sex in months.

I've got a king size bed that's never been christened.

Sad huh?

When will our sex life ever get back to "normal"?

We used to fuck like bunnies.

Then, when we couldn't get pregnant sex became about failure.

Then I got pregnant.

Then I had a baby.

Then I got pregnant again (after a rare sexcapade).

Then I had another baby.

I have absolutely no inclination to have sex.

I'm getting desperate.

I want to want to have sex.

nuts and rocks

2009-04-22T17:35:00.003-04:00

We are building a fence.

It has become necessary to hem in my crazy 2 year old.

We knew we were built on rocks but we didn't know it would take a mini backhoe to dig holes for the posts. It looks like we've been bombed.

It's nuts, I tell you.

no sappy birthday post here

2009-04-20T14:53:00.003-04:00

Well I had great intentions of writing a birthday post yesterday. You know, the typical Mom blog fodder of '2 year letter to Chicka' type of thing but the day just got away from me.

I had the most wonderful weekend and didn't feel the need to plop myself in front of the computer. The weather was awesome and the celebration was fun. Chicka got a trike and a mini trampoline for her big gifts. She doesn't have the hang of the trike yet but the trampoline gets full marks. Cripes. If I jumped for a portion of the time she did, I'd be bedridden and unable to move but she hasn't even slowed down.

So I can no longer claim to be a mom of 2 under 2. That's probably a good thing because it was likely getting old. :)

Gearing up

2009-04-17T13:53:00.002-04:00

Chicka is turning 2 this weekend. On one hand it's so hard to believe but on the other hand, I think that's she stressed me out enough in 2 years to last until she's 18.

Some crazy that 2 years ago today I had no children and now I have 2 very special munchkins. How lucky am I?

I think that I would like to post some pics of said special munchkins but I'm getting a little more nervous about posting pics here. Can I password occasional posts? Hm. Must go check that out.

Just another boring post.

2009-04-08T08:03:00.002-04:00

So Easter is almost upon us. It should be Springy and mild and muddy. Instead, we're getting snow. WTF? I need Spring.

Anyway, we're planning a big trip this weekend. Back "home" for my bestfriend's baby shower. I made the decision to leave Chicka here with her Grandparents. I feel a little badly about this but in the end I think we're doing her a big favour by saving her from the 7 hour car ride. She's too busy for such constrictions and we'd all go crazy, I'm sure.

I'm looking forward to seeing my friends but will miss my girl and my bed. When I'm away it's very easy to miss Chicka but let me tell you, some days I want to string her up. We're going through the testing stage and it seems to get worse every day. I'm faithfully doing the timeout thing but it sucks and I don't think she's getting the message yet. Hopefully the whole consequence thing will twig with her soon.

What sucks is that it's only me who seems to have the problem and so it's only me who has to implement the discipline. She listens to Frenchie so he never has to make her have a timeout. It all goes down when he's at work.

Fucking hell, this parenting thing is hard.

But the good news is that Jboy slept from 8pm-11pm last night when I woke him to nurse before I went to bed. Then he went back to sleep from around midnight until after 6am. He woke to nurse and then went back to sleep. He's still sleeping now and it's after 8am. Joy!!! He's always been a good sleeper but this is just plain wonderful.

Okay. Chicka is "helping" me type and it's really annoying so I'll end my boring post here.

2 weeks shy of Two

2009-04-06T11:39:00.002-04:00

Fuck me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the Terrible Twos.

Today I used time outs for the first time. I'm not sure how effective they will be but I'm at a loss as to how to proceed. I'm hoping that it clicks for her that when she's naughty, she has to sit in the naughty spot for 2 minutes.

The trouble is that she tends to be her naughtiest when I'm nursing. Kinda hard to drop what I'm doing to make her sit in the naughty spot.

Fun stuff.

And she's not even technically 2 yet.